So, this mom hasn't been sleeping well because of some decisions that were made.
They were hard decisions. I have cried over this entire situation. I'm so frustrated and I have to turn my attention to things I can control - such as my feelings and actions about this whole thing with my son.
At my core belief, I have always carried with me the "idea" that I could control things.
I grew up in a house with a co-dependent mother who depended on me to ease her mind (which I could never truly do) asked me to listen to her problems and who vaguely either wanted me to figure them out for her or just wanted me to listen to her dump her problems on her young daughter who had no idea what to do or how to help. I became a clown of sorts for her. I tried to cheer her up, tried to make her laugh, made sure I didn't "go over that line" when I was a teenager. I never wanted to push her too far. I always felt like to some extent, I was her anchor. But that anchor also pulled me down. I would have dreams of being shipwrecked with my mom and her arms around my neck wanting me to save her (she couldn't swim) and her instead pulling me down and drowning me. Not hard to figure out what that dream was about.
She tried to take her life two times. One I remember, the other I don't. But the one I remember, I'll never forget. It was pills. She wasn't successful. She was really angry that she lived. Makes me sad to remember because she could be a very loving mother, a tiger sometimes when it came to defending us. But that tiger could easily turn on us too if we weren't careful. It was eggshells with her.
So I walk a fine line to this day. Afraid of my children taking their lives, or running away.
They've both been in mental hospitals for talking about taking their lives (each separate times during teenage years) and the oldest one climbed out the window several times to run away because she was so angry with me. Times are better with her. She is more mature and stable and doesn't do that anymore.
But my son. I worry about him. I try not to. It's so hard. So hard to give control up to God. You see, I'm not really giving anything up because I really don't have control of him. He's shown us that lately. Proven to us that there's not a lot we can do to stop him doing what he wants. It hurts. It hurts to see him be reckless with his behavior. I've never wanted to contribute to any of that. I've always tried to curtail it (or control--there it is again) the behavior. But someone who is almost 18 and who climbs out the window despite you having window locks, is someone who doesn't want to be curtailed. Someone who sneaks off to smoke pot with his friends is someone who doesn't want to be curtailed. Someone who has been doing this since he was 14 knows how to get away with it since we obviously didn't know.
What is a parent to do to stop this behavior? We've discussed several scenarios:
1. Move away to someplace where there are no drugs--- Marijuana is everywhere... how are we going to control that? Unrealistic to think that we could find some place where he couldn't find it.
2. Refuse to allow him to see his "friends" .....How do we monitor someone 24 hours a day and keep them from their friends when these kids live in the area and go to school, work with him?
3. Remove all t.v., video games, phone, vape, etc..... Done that. It didn't really do much good. We can't keep that up forever. Makes it hard to track him if he doesn't have a phone. We've discussed how the phone, vape, etc. are privileges and he understands that now but still hard to keep taking things away. What happens when you have nothing left to take?
4. Put him into rehab---We could do that and have contemplated that and it may still end up being something we do. But he still has to come home and come back to all of the same people, temptations, etc.
5. Send him to military school or a bootcamp: I haven't honestly looked into this. But it's something to think about. I just don't know if it would really do any good.
6. Kick him out: We've "discussed" it, more like I shouted it to him during a moment of enraged yelling by me. Legally we're not allowed to do that and honestly, he's my son. I can't do it.
7. Send him to a therapist regularly--- We are doing that.
8. Send him to a psychiatrist regularly-- We are doing that.
9. Pray -- We are definitely doing that.
10. Make a living document where he understands the consequences of his behavior and knows that if he gets arrested, he goes to jail. -- That's where we are now.
Are we doing the "right" thing?
In my heart I feel that we are on a very thin line between keeping him and losing him.
What would Jesus do?
He would love him and speak truth to him. We're doing that.
We haven't given our son permission to smoke as much as we have said to him, "don't tell us you're doing it."
It feels wrong. But it also feels like we have no choice.
We have no control.
But God is in control. So I commit my son to God's care. I trust God with him.
I have to stop trying to orchestrate what I think should happen. I thought I could manipulate his choices or outcomes but I can't and God doesn't need my help. Our son has the freedom to make his own choices. And God wouldn't remove our son's free will no matter how hard we prayed for that.
I have to stop worrying and fretting about our son. My son is in God's hands.
God can do the impossible because he is sovereign. I am not. I don't understand why my son does what he does, but God knows.
If I really believe that God is omnipotent, than I can let go. I can release my son and my daughter too back to him.
I pray that God heals me of the issue of "control" and that He shows himself strong in our children's lives!
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