I need to put this down. I'm bursting to say it because if I don't I will go insane or explode with stress. I know this is not a new thing for parents but I never thought I would become a member of the "my kid does drugs and has no desire to stop" club. It's new for me.
I guess this has been going on for a while but I just didn't "see" it.
I wanted to see that my teen was happy, had friends, was doing well in school.
I saw that he was withdrawing from us, that he was becoming "invisible" in our home. I asked him why. I prodded him and nagged him to tell me why he was pulling away. He preferred his friend's houses over ours. His friends even stopped coming around. I would come home and smell a weird smell in the house or his room and he would deny smoking pot. He would lie to me and I believed him. Despite my best intentions to be that mom who was on top of that stuff, who made sure that he had a coat when it was cold, lunch money for school, school supplies that he needed, and my daily hugs and telling him how I loved him and hoped he would have a good day as he went out the door to school....despite all of that....he still chose the friends he chose and he chose to do drugs. He chose them over us.
If he had the opportunity to he would do it right now.
He stole my car Saturday night. He'd never done that before (at least that I know of.)
We know that he has snuck out of the window of his room before because we saw the screen moved and after seeing a blanket outside one morning and questioning him, he admitted that he had done that. His father was on the other side of the wall in the living room while our son is climbing out the window to go do drugs with someone. Our teen didn't see why we were so upset about his climbing out the window after midnight in the dark on a school night. Really.
He has a job. It's part-time at a fast food place.
I set him up before summer with a bank account so when he got paid he could save money for a car.
It's linked to our account so we can monitor it. I started noticing that he was pulling $20 - $40 out of the ATM like every other day. I confronted him about it. He said he was buying "food".
Then when it got suspicious because it was happening every day. He barely eats anything at home and I'm wondering why would he need to spend $20-$40 a day eating out when he has no transportation? We confronted him and he said "he was hiding the money in a tree at the park because he didn't trust banks."
Really?
Yes, he really told us that.
I called BS on that and I locked his ATM card.
After he came home and lied to our faces one night when I could clearly smell weed in my house I decided that's it!
I took his ATM card.
Putting this down, it hurts. Seeing it in print hurts. I am so scared he is going to get himself killed or kill himself or run away and we'll never see him again.
I want to put him in long-term inpatient treatment!
I want God to reach down and change him!
I want this to be over!
So how is this a "Mom's survival guide"? I guess maybe it should really be called, "This Mom's Barely Surviving Guide". I have to do something with these feelings. If I don't say something or put them somewhere I am going to go crazy with grief.
Yes, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to not anticipate what "might happen". But all of that is colored by what has happened so far. So it's hard.
I remind myself I am a woman of faith. I trust that God is in charge of my son and He sees all.
He hears and answers prayers. I believe that.
Still it's hard.
Tomorrow is another day.
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