I go back and forth. I'm not sure why that is. I guess stress causes that. PTSD? I like to think of PTSD as: Put that shit down! As in my head!
I think too much.
I worry too much.
I am becoming my mother.
I hate that.
I feel very powerless about doing anything to "fix" my son and I realize as I write this that there is no "fixing" anyone. I struggle with my own issues that I myself need to work on and yet how can I fix anyone?
Questions to ponder:
1. How can I fix other people's lives- even those that I love? ??
2. Knowing that I have tried to do that, have I been successful? No
3. Why do I feel the need to do this? Am I protective or am I just so needy that I need to be needed and involved? (There is some truth to that.)
4. Why am I not more interested in just working on myself?
Answer- Because it's "easier" to give advice than it is to take it.
Answer- Because I am afraid to make changes that either might not work or might not last.
Answer- Because I've tried and failed before
Answer- Because I don't really know how to.
Answer- Because I don't have the energy....
So.....I have the energy to fret and worry about others but no energy to take care of myself.
That seems kind of stupid.
Why is it when I say "I am not going to worry about this....." that my physical body seems to go out of the way to physically represent the opposite of what I am saying?
Example: I say, "I am ok. I can get through this. It will work out. We're doing everything we can, etc. etc."...... and then I feel the butterflies in my stomach, and the nausea and the headache and the jaw clenching and the feeling that I am going to cry.....
My body doesn't want to cooperate with my mind it seems in any way.
Sounds like a normal human problem and I really hate it.
So I can say whatever I want to say to myself, but it seems that my body doesn't believe it and represents it's disbelief by making me sick to my stomach or very weepy.
See, I don't even have control over that.
I have to stop living in the "What if's" and start living in the "What can we do's"......
There is no "What if we had done this differently....What if we had seen this sooner.....What if we had never had a child?......(cruelest thought of all).....
Instead it needs to be: "What can we do when he refuses to follow the rules at home? What can we do if he steals my car again? What can we do if he gets caught with pot by the police again?
Even that I have to be careful with because it's borderline worrying and planning. I'd like to think that it's planning but let's face it, I know me and it would be worrying, not planning.
Sigh.
Will I ever get anything right?
Will I ever get being that parent who doesn't fall victim to the button-pushing of my teenager?
Will I ever get it "right" so that I have the "right" answers when he says things that make no sense to me or tries to shock me or push me away?
When will he learn he hurts me when he does this? Does he know? Yes. I've told him and told him and told him and it still doesn't change anything.
Somehow I'm supposed to "not react" which isn't me at all. Somehow I'm supposed to be made of stone? I'm a mother. My heart is tied to my child! He's part of my body. I tried so hard to be a good mom to him and I feel so much guilt. So sad. There's so much more to life that he could be experiencing than what he is.
I'm so angry at him. So angry at those "friends" of his. I'd like to smack all of them. I wonder if their parents know what is going on?
I wonder if any parent has thought that about me? Do I know what is going on? I didn't.
The worst sin I think is to know what is going on and to not step in to stop it. If you're a parent and you're allowing your child to influence others with drugs at your house it's not ok.
That's my child you've got there!
I want him back. I want my son back.
PTSD!
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