Headaches

So it's been a while since I blogged last. I've thought about sitting down and putting my feelings into words and just haven't done it until now.

Lots have happened since a month ago.

Last Wednesday I took the day off to take my son to court/jail to be booked and for them to decide what to do with him. This is from the day that he overdosed and was caught with weed on him and they brought him to our house in a police car cuffed. I found out that when they released him, it was called a "Field Release".  We were supposed to go August 1st and find out then what was going to happen but we missed the time because we were confused on what we were supposed to do so it was moved from August 1st until last Wed, Sept 5th. This is from the original date of him getting picked up (the second time) by the police on July 1st. Again, this was the day that we took him to the emergency room because of the overdose.

So after being there the entire damn day he gets fingerprinted, photographed and then released on his "own recognizance) which seems ridiculous because that's what he had been previously. All they did was waste our time and take his photo and fingerprints.  We thought he might be jailed. We weren't sure what to expect.  They took him from us (Hays County) and so we did not see nor hear the judge nor the process of anything else.  So he comes out of the jail with a piece of paper about being released on "Bond" of $2000. We were all stressed and hungry. I was quite upset because he seemed to think that he "got away with it." (His words, not mine.) And I tried to make sure he understood that this is dragging out. There was no "getting away with it."  (He may have said that to blow off some steam because he was all alone over there with adults and no one to help him.) But I took it as him smirking and mouthing off and I got really pissed.
I apologized to him the next morning and took him to school because he thought he missed the bus. But I forgot that I had done that when we met with Roger his therapist. Once again, just talking about that whole day it put me in a bad mood. It was not a good day.
We're told by Ben that the court has to set a time in the future to decide what to do with him. We have to call weekly.
Stupid.

So Friday morning about 2:30 or so we get woken up by Caitlin. Someone is calling.
We go in Ben's room and guess what, he's not there.
He has no cell phone because we took it from him.  Caitlin hands me the phone.
It's Ben. Surprise.
He's been caught again by the police with drug paraphenalia and his friends Matt & Ethan are there too.  So we expect they're going to arrest him this time for sure, but he gets another ticket. 
Husband goes and gets him and brings him home. We don't say anything to him.
I just cannot believe this kid.

Take him to Roger his therapist on Saturday and tell him what's going on. He tells Ben that he better keep his "ass clean" because he's basically on "probation". The judge will be able to see everything he does when she makes a decision on his case.

So I call the court today. They will put in the mail when he is supposed to show up for court. We don't have to call weekly.  However, they have up to 2 years to do so. So now it's hanging over for the next two years?????

And now that he has the drug paraphenalia thing he will have to go take care of that too.

We put locks on the windows but we can't control his actions.
We've taken his cell phone away. But he still manages to get in touch with his friends.
I've locked his debit card and put it up away from him.
He has no access to money but that hasn't stopped him from getting drugs in the past.
We put our purses and wallets and now car keys away from him.

It's sad when you can't trust your child and it's sad that you have to think your kid might be sneaking out every night to get drugs because that's his #1 goal in life.
I wish he would go to rehab but he doesn't want to.
I wish we could make him go to rehab, but we can't.

So I can't control him.
I feel like everything is out of control these days.....my feelings, my eating, my sleeping, being depressed. I'm really not doing anything to help myself. I've even gone back to reading romance novels which give me nothing other than an escape. I don't go to church, I don't work out, I don't watch what I eat, I just mope around depressed and eat. I wake up every night stressed out and every morning I'm so exhausted from that.
I don't know what to do say or how to reach our son.
I don't know how to be a different me.
I don't know how to change how i react to things going on around me.
Sometimes I just really hate who I am.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this?

I wish that I could just go home and stay in bed.