Today's Headache (or thoughts) 8/14/18

So, this mom hasn't been sleeping well because of some decisions that were made.
They were hard decisions. I have cried over this entire situation. I'm so frustrated and I have to turn my attention to things I can control - such as my feelings and actions about this whole thing with my son.

At my core belief, I have always carried with me the "idea" that I could control things.
I grew up in a house with a co-dependent mother who depended on me to ease her mind (which I could never truly do) asked me to listen to her problems and who vaguely either wanted me to figure them out for her or just wanted me to listen to her dump her problems on her young daughter who had no idea what to do or how to help. I became a clown of sorts for her. I tried to cheer her up, tried to make her laugh, made sure I didn't "go over that line" when I was a teenager. I never wanted to push her too far. I always felt like to some extent, I was her anchor. But that anchor also pulled me down. I would have dreams of being shipwrecked with my mom and her arms around my neck wanting me to save her (she couldn't swim) and her instead pulling me down and drowning me. Not hard to figure out what that dream was about.
She tried to take her life two times. One I remember, the other I don't. But the one I remember, I'll never forget. It was pills. She wasn't successful. She was really angry that she lived. Makes me sad to remember because she could be a very loving mother, a tiger sometimes when it came to defending us. But that tiger could easily turn on us too if we weren't careful.  It was eggshells with her.
So I walk a fine line to this day. Afraid of my children taking their lives, or running away.
They've both been in mental hospitals for talking about taking their lives (each separate times during teenage years) and the oldest one climbed out the window several times to run away because she was so angry with me.  Times are better with her. She is more mature and stable and doesn't do that anymore.
But my son. I worry about him. I try not to. It's so hard. So hard to give control up to God. You see, I'm not really giving anything up because I really don't have control of him. He's shown us that lately. Proven to us that there's not a lot we can do to stop him doing what he wants. It hurts. It hurts to see him be reckless with his behavior. I've never wanted to contribute to any of that. I've always tried to curtail it (or control--there it is again) the behavior. But someone who is almost 18 and who climbs out the window despite you having window locks, is someone who doesn't want to be curtailed. Someone who sneaks off to smoke pot with his friends is someone who doesn't want to be curtailed. Someone who has been doing this since he was 14 knows how to get away with it since we obviously didn't know.

What is a parent to do to stop this behavior?  We've discussed several scenarios:

1. Move away to someplace where there are no drugs--- Marijuana is everywhere... how are we going to control that? Unrealistic to think that we could find some place where he couldn't find it.

2. Refuse to allow him to see his "friends" .....How do we monitor someone 24 hours a day and keep them from their friends when these kids live in the area and go to school, work with him?

3. Remove all t.v., video games, phone, vape, etc..... Done that. It didn't really do much good. We can't keep that up forever. Makes it hard to track him if he doesn't have a phone. We've discussed how the phone, vape, etc. are privileges and he understands that now but still hard to keep taking things away. What happens when you have nothing left to take?

4. Put him into rehab---We could do that and have contemplated that and it may still end up being something we do. But he still has to come home and come back to all of the same people, temptations, etc.

5. Send him to military school or a bootcamp: I haven't honestly looked into this. But it's something to think about. I just don't know if it would really do any good.

6. Kick him out:  We've "discussed" it, more like I shouted it to him during a moment of enraged yelling by me.  Legally we're not allowed to do that and honestly, he's my son. I can't do it.

7. Send him to a therapist regularly--- We are doing that.

8. Send him to a psychiatrist regularly-- We are doing that.

9. Pray -- We are definitely doing that.

10. Make a living document where he understands the consequences of his behavior and knows that if he gets arrested, he goes to jail. -- That's where we are now.

Are we doing the "right" thing? 
In my heart I feel that we are on a very thin line between keeping him and losing him.
What would Jesus do?
He would love him and speak truth to him. We're doing that.

We haven't given our son permission to smoke as much as we have said to him, "don't tell us you're doing it."
It feels wrong. But it also feels like we have no choice.
We have no control.
But God is in control. So I commit my son to God's care. I trust God with him.
I have to stop trying to orchestrate what I think should happen. I thought I could manipulate his choices or outcomes but I can't and God doesn't need my help. Our son has the freedom to make his own choices. And God wouldn't remove our son's free will no matter how hard we prayed for that.
I have to stop worrying and fretting about our son.  My son is in God's hands.
God can do the impossible because he is sovereign. I am not. I don't understand why my son does what he does, but God knows.
If I really believe that God is omnipotent, than I can let go. I can release my son and my daughter too back to him.
I pray that God heals me of the issue of "control" and that He shows himself strong in our children's lives!

Today's thoughts Aug 7th, 2018

I go back and forth. I'm not sure why that is. I guess stress causes that. PTSD?  I like to think of PTSD as: Put that shit down! As in my head! 
I think too much.
I worry too much.
I am becoming my mother.
I hate that.
I feel very powerless about doing anything to "fix" my son and I realize as I write this that there is no "fixing" anyone. I struggle with my own issues that I myself need to work on and yet how can I fix anyone?
Questions to ponder:
1. How can I fix other people's lives- even those that I love?  ??
2. Knowing that I have tried to do that, have I been successful?  No
3. Why do I feel the need to do this?  Am I protective or am I just so needy that I need to be needed and involved? (There is some truth to that.)
4. Why am I not more interested in just working on myself?
Answer- Because it's "easier" to give advice than it is to take it.
Answer- Because I am afraid to make changes that either might not work or might not last.
Answer- Because I've tried and failed before
Answer- Because I don't really know how to.
Answer- Because I don't have the energy....

So.....I have the energy to fret and worry about others but no energy to take care of myself.
That seems kind of stupid.

Why is it when I say "I am not going to worry about this....." that my physical body seems to go out of the way to physically represent the opposite of what I am saying?
Example: I say, "I am ok. I can get through this. It will work out. We're doing everything we can, etc. etc."...... and then I feel the butterflies in my stomach, and the nausea and the headache and the jaw clenching and the feeling that I am going to cry.....
My body doesn't want to cooperate with my mind it seems in any way.
Sounds like a normal human problem and I really hate it.
So I can say whatever I want to say to myself, but it seems that my body doesn't believe it and represents it's disbelief by making me sick to my stomach or very weepy.
See, I don't even have control over that.

I have to stop living in the "What if's" and start living in the "What can we do's"......
There is no "What if we had done this differently....What if we had seen this sooner.....What if we had never had a child?......(cruelest thought of all).....

Instead it needs to be: "What can we do when he refuses to follow the rules at home?  What can we do if he steals my car again?  What can we do if he gets caught with pot by the police again? 
Even that I have to be careful with because it's borderline worrying and planning. I'd like to think that it's planning but let's face it, I know me and it would be worrying, not planning. 
Sigh.
Will I ever get anything right?
Will I ever get being that parent who doesn't fall victim to the button-pushing of my teenager?
Will I ever get it "right" so that I have the "right" answers when he says things that make no sense to me or tries to shock me or push me away?
When will he learn he hurts me when he does this? Does he know? Yes. I've told him and told him and told him and it still doesn't change anything.
Somehow I'm supposed to "not react" which isn't me at all. Somehow I'm supposed to be made of stone? I'm a mother. My heart is tied to my child! He's part of my body. I tried so hard to be a good mom to him and I feel so much guilt.  So sad. There's so much more to life that he could be experiencing than what he is. 
I'm so angry at him. So angry at those "friends" of his. I'd like to smack all of them. I wonder if their parents know what is going on?
I wonder if any parent has thought that about me?  Do I know what is going on? I didn't.
The worst sin I think is to know what is going on and to not step in to stop it. If you're a parent and you're allowing your child to influence others with drugs at your house it's not ok.

That's my child you've got there!

I want him back. I want my son back.

PTSD!

Today's thoughts Aug 6th, 2018

I need to put this down. I'm bursting to say it because if I don't I will go insane or explode with stress.  I know this is not a new thing for parents but I never thought I would become a member of the "my kid does drugs and has no desire to stop" club.  It's new for me.

I guess this has been going on for a while but I just didn't "see" it.
I wanted to see that my teen was happy, had friends, was doing well in school.
I saw that he was withdrawing from us, that he was becoming "invisible" in our home. I asked him why. I prodded him and nagged him to tell me why he was pulling away. He preferred his friend's houses over ours. His friends even stopped coming around. I would come home and smell a weird smell in the house or his room and he would deny smoking pot. He would lie to me and I believed him. Despite my best intentions to be that mom who was on top of that stuff, who made sure that he had a coat when it was cold, lunch money for school, school supplies that he needed, and my daily hugs and telling him how I loved him and hoped he would have a good day as he went out the door to school....despite all of that....he still chose the friends he chose and he chose to do drugs. He chose them over us.
If he had the opportunity to he would do it right now.
He stole my car Saturday night. He'd never done that before (at least that I know of.)
We know that he has snuck out of the window of his room before because we saw the screen moved and after seeing a blanket outside one morning and questioning him, he admitted that he had done that. His father was on the other side of the wall in the living room while our son is climbing out the window to go do drugs with someone. Our teen didn't see why we were so upset about his climbing out the window after midnight in the dark on a school night. Really. 
 He has a job. It's part-time at a fast food place.
I set him up before summer with a bank account so when he got paid he could save money for a car.
It's linked to our account so we can monitor it. I started noticing that he was pulling $20 - $40 out of the ATM like every other day. I confronted him about it. He said he was buying "food".
Then when it got suspicious because it was happening every day. He barely eats anything at home and I'm wondering why would he need to spend $20-$40 a day eating out when he has no transportation? We confronted him and he said "he was hiding the money in a tree at the park because he didn't trust banks."
Really?
Yes, he really told us that.
I called BS on that and I locked his ATM card.
After he came home and lied to our faces one night when I could clearly smell weed in my house I decided that's it!
I took his ATM card.

Putting this down, it hurts. Seeing it in print hurts. I am so scared he is going to get himself killed or kill himself or run away and we'll never see him again.
I want to put him in long-term inpatient treatment!
I want God to reach down and change him!
I want this to be over!

So how is this a "Mom's survival guide"? I guess maybe it should really be called, "This Mom's Barely Surviving Guide". I have to do something with these feelings. If I don't say something or put them somewhere I am going to go crazy with grief.

Yes, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to not anticipate what "might happen". But all of that is colored by what has happened so far. So it's hard.
I remind myself I am a woman of faith. I trust that God is in charge of my son and He sees all.
He hears and answers prayers. I believe that.

Still it's hard.
Tomorrow is another day.