Where to begin? It's been a while since I've blogged.
I'll put it in lists which may be easier:
1. The boy is still using drugs
2. We are no longer enabling him.
3. He sneaks out of the house.
4. He comes back stoned at 3 a.m.
5. Doesn't want to go to school.
6. I worry about him killing himself intentionally, being in a car with someone who is driving high, him being the one that is driving high, his running away and never knowing if he is alive or not, him being arrested for drugs
7. I am not sleeping well.
8. I have mouth sores that won't go away due to stress. They are caused by stress too.
9. I am so sick of everything.
10. He's been skipping certain classes at school.
11. He told me that this has been the "best time he's ever had in his life" and "he's happy".
12. He loves drugs
13. He loves sex
14. He is transgender & bi-sexual
15. He plans on being a woman someday.
16. He has plans to be a big marijuana grower and distributor.
17. He no longer sees a therapist because it was a waste of time and money-- for him, his time, for us, our money.
18. Our house is just a "pit-stop" for him. He eats and sometimes sleeps there.
19. He's broken my heart so many times.
20. I'm waiting for him to either drop out of school or fail school.
21. This is a trainwreck that I have a first-rate seat to.
22. I'm angry.
23. I'm broken.
24. I'm waiting for God to do something about all of this.
25. Sometimes I want to swallow a bottle of pills and just let it all go away.
26. My anxiety level is constantly high.
27. I hate my life
28. I love my husband
29. I love my children-- even the prodigal one. I love him.
30. This hurts so much.
What can I do?
1. Cry
2. Throw a fit
3. Eat myself even fatter than I already am
4. Continue to go to counseling
5. Continue going to church
6. Keep praying
7. Ask for prayer for my family
8. Feel sorry for myself
9. Beg my son to stop (I've done this. It does not good.)
10. Change my locks
11. Turn off his phone. (Just did that today.)
12. Send him to rehab against his will (which the law says we can't do)
13. Lock him in his room forever
14. Take up pot smoking
15. Bother everyone at work with my problems and have behavior issues
16. Yell at my husband and daughter because I feel like it
17. Praise God in everything
18. Be anxious no more
19. Trust that God has got it in His hands despite how my son is behaving and how the whole damn thing looks. The creator of the universe has His hand on that boy. He hears our prayers. He knows how it is hurting me to see our son like this. He knows my tears and my fears and my worries.
Where is my faith? What is wrong with me? Why so downcast on my soul?
